"Pictures I'm living through for now, trying to remember all the good times." Yeah that's what I try to do all the time and let me tell you it is not easy. This picture is from 2010. September third to be exact. I thought that this guy was perfect for me. He had the features I described that I always wanted, and he made me smile and laugh. Not to mention all the butterflies I had whenever he popped in my mind or when I was with him. It seemed good at first, but then it went completely bad after a couple months. Instead of moving on and leaving him alone I allowed myself to be hurt and lied to for four long years. Well...technically three because one of those years I did not speak to him at all. I isolated him and blocked feelings I had towards him. Then like a fool I allowed him back in. I am now regretting this. Tonight I seriously sat down and thought about a lot of things. Everything from issues we went through to just small lies and words that were exchanged. I also realized that I was never the one he really loved and cared about. There was always someone else around that he now has a child with. I allowed myself to be apart of this little triangle of lies for so long and I am finally realizing how stupid I have been. It's just one of those things that makes me think I left the right person for a temptation. Maybe it could have been a test, and I will say that I truly failed. The one I was supposed to be with is happy now and I am so glad, I obviously didn't deserve him anyway. Crazy because I always used to say we would be together when he didn't and when I got him I messed it up Kristian will forever be the one that got away. When people warn you and tell you not to do it that usually means it's not right. I on the other hand am the type of person to find out for myself and give someone a chance. Don't get me wrong he has some great qualities to him and he has an amazing heart, but it shouldn't have been this hard. I have no idea why I was so blind to the fact that it wasn't always me years ago. But, everything for a reason. It's funny how things happen huh? With real thought I know that the best thing to do is stick to my career goals. My friend that I have known since sixth grade told me that he supports me in everything and he feels I should do what I want while I can. He's such a great person and he helped me see a lot yesterday as well. I was only holding myself back this whole time because of a charade that kept me tied down. Now I am on a journey to success and hopefully having a love like I had with kristian. I know that me and the guy in the photo aka Shaq had something unlike anything, but it may not have really been love because love should never feel that way. I learned my lesson and I am greatful for everything I went through. The years I have known him opened my eyes to qualities I want, and that I don't want. It's just crazy that someone you thought could be your "forever" ends up being your "only for a little while." I am not writing this to slander my ex in any way. I obviously cared if I stayed around for this long, but maybe I cared too much for the wrong one. Overall he has a great heart and a lot of love to give it just may have always been intended for the other one instead of me.
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"He had me against the wall, we kissed, then he whispered my birth date and my nickname in my ear. I could not see his face until he took his hood off....Can I just say that these ten seconds of my dream were so intense and passionate?! Just thought I would share that little moment. It has been on my mind all day. It makes me wonder what all these dreams I have had of us really mean."
Moving on the the matter at hand...Have you ever seen an ex after a long period of time and had all the emotion you used to feel run back? Me too. This happened with me recently actually. It all started with a friend request about a month or so ago. I let it sit there for a couple of days because I was not sure if I was ready to accept whatever would happen if I approved it. Low and behold I approved it and then not too long after a message was in my inbox. Was I shocked? No. More like nervous to be honest. I will say that the message was nothing I would have expected. It was actually positive and he seemed like he grew up since I spoke to him last. So I decided to write back. With that one response tons of happiness and memories came over me. We spoke for a few days through text and a couple times on facetime. It was so fun and I enjoyed every moment of it. I initiated the idea of hanging out because I wanted to see how I felt around him. The sick to my stomach, nervous, excited feelings were all there on the way to pick him up and after we got done hanging. I felt like I was hanging with him for the first time again. We laughed and hugged and kissed like we were on our first date. It was so romantic. I had the idea in my head that maybe this time things would be okay and that maybe we could move forward with the plans we made four years ago. I was sadly mistaken. After a couple weeks those negative emotions came back along with some drama. It went back to those old emotions of no trust and questioning if this was the right decision. My idea of a happy ending went down the drain. I tried so hard to think positive and ignore the feelings I had, but it finally caught up to me and I had to end it. I felt happy around him, but when I would leave I felt sad, alone, confused, and pretty much like I was being lied to. Instead of bottling all this up I would tell him, and at first we would talk, but after a while it went back to the old way of him doing all the talking and me being left with so many unsaid words. How could I handle being with someone who had so much anger and hostility in their heart? Truth is that I couldn't. So now I am writing because my mind is back at that place it was almost two years ago of trying to figure out if I made the right decision. It is so hard for me to not want to go back and say "Let's try again, I want to make this work, I love you." I wish I could cry and get it all over with but it does not seem like it will be that easy this time. Where do I go from here? I want to move on, but I want to be by his side to see where he will go in his life at the same time. I see his face and think "yeah I could be with him", but then I remember everything that comes with him and I don't want to anymore. This is so hard. My mind does not know what to do. |
Quote Of the Week"Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's a such thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown." |